I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
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My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
jesus christ confetti not now
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO