Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
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I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.