Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
You Might Also Like
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil鈥檚 illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She鈥檚 trashing the place.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Awesome parenting 馃槀
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security