me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
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Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”