As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
You Might Also Like
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying