Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
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A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money