Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
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twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.