Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
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[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Writing, She Murdered.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”