If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
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{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
idk flipping houses looks really hard
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I did not eat the cake…
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!