Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
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look at me when i’m typing to you
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Life is a suicide mission.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*