I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
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The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I’m giving up ice.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Its a hippotatomus
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.