“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
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I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.