You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
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her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open