meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
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They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
TODAY
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.