The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
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Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Milk Cube
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”