We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
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Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets