2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
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Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I’m confused about plants
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.