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Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
For the ones in the back.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!