Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
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For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill