*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
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11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.