exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
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Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑