Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
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OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
This is a bad sign
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.