I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
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💁🏻♂️
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am