[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
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I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
#parenting
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I hope they boil the right one.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
When he asks for feet pics
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.