No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
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Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
TRAIN’S HERE
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree