IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
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Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
And now we wait
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I’m Sold!
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.