Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
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The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Me driving through Toronto
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.