My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
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At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Well well well…
That’s no pocket rocket.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I want to meet the individual who made this
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back