[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
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[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand