My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
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Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
*looks at you in batman voice*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Imagine having a party on purpose.