I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
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I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
me when I see my crush
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
🛁
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay