E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
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Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.