[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
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My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Erm I’m gonna say no
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.