When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
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[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.