My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
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When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
umm…
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.