Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
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[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I had to Stop for this
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it