Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
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Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Breaking news:
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Is anyone gonna tell them?
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
i- i did not expect this
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.