“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
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I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.