Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
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Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Made something I’m not proud of
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore