[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
ACED my prostate exam!
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.