I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
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My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.