I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
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*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.