“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
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THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala