me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
You Might Also Like
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Breaking news:
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No