The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
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On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I wish I were this cool 😂
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.