Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
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Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.