You Might Also Like
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Animal poetry
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.