Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
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Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
your honor my client chooses dare
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator