There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
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A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.