pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
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Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?